The Truth About The Revealing Struggle In Being Single
A lot of the time, I love being single. It has a freedom that you can’t get anywhere else. However, there are those days, where I get devastatingly lonely. This time of year is the timeframe where this tends to reveal itself. Something about being alone and cold that is just flat out depressing. I know for sure that I’m not alone on this (holla if ya hear me!). So I decided to embrace it differently, I’m going to write about it.
Searching for that special someone and building a life together is an essential foundation that we all look for in life. It is in fact even biblical, in Proverbs 18:22 it says that “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” I mean after all, don’t we all want someone we can spend the rest of our days growing old with each other? Every other fundamental we have been taught revolves around the notion. Developing our careers, discovering our hobbies, and enjoying those sweet moments that we find to be so enamored. A lot of pressure comes with dating and is incredibly terrifying to me.
I never went on a date until after I had been married and divorced with kids of my own. Come to think of it, I have only had a handful of sincerely committed relationships.
Just to give a brief understanding of where I’m at with the whole dating/relationship thing…
My first meaningful relationship was with a girl who I was crazy about(1998). We ended up with a child about 13 months later. After our second child was born, we got married and with a total of 4 amazingly beautiful children. Then we grew apart, and divorce slid in (2008).
My second committed relationship came at a strange time in my life. A time where I was still mentally recovering from the marriage. This woman was a toxic psychopath. I become a glutton for abuse, just to seek some sort of attention and affection.
Relationship number three resulted in me quitting an excellent job in Telecom and relocating to an Indian reservation in Montanna to be with a woman who was also trying to fill that void. Granted, this woman taught me some valuable lessons about my life. In the end, she was a tad bit unstable. SO much that I had to secretly contact my family to buy me a bus ticket back to Texas. Nevermind the fact this lady followed the Greyhound bus through 3 states and harassing the bus driver’s cell phone(how she got it, I still don’t know)
My last relationship is what brought me to Austin. Long story short, I was the one wanting a serious relationship. Moving here to be with her, evidently was a bit of a shock I guess. Regardless, she is still a terrific friend of mine to this day.
Now there was almost a woman in my life, whom I had actually fallen for completely. However, with my previous experience of pouring my heart out, I could never muster up the courage to say anything. I’m pretty sure she and her kids all knew. That ship has apparently sailed since she has her own pursuits in her life now.
I definitely have conditioned myself to be damaged goods. I won’t even go into detail with what all that comes with. I just know that when there is a void, I want to fill that gap with something. These days I stay focused on my career and learning as much as I can. Even to the point where I shut out friends and family with what’s going on.
Now that we are all on page…
The way I see it, there are two potential causes as to why I’m single and seemingly continue to be.
1: Women are not attracted to me, and I’m entirely hideous
2: My personality is capital T, for, TRASH.
Of the two possibilities, I would much favor that I’m alone because I’m hideous. I can change that. I can go to the gym, get back into krav-maga. Wear more fashionable clothes and even surround me in pleasant company.
But why? Let’s say I get back in shape and live a healthier life. Am I to live in fear that the moment I gain a few pounds or revert to old routines that I’ll abruptly become unlovable again?
I never like to explore the second option. That it’s just me. People don’t want me.
There is a different sort of blow that your confidence takes when you’ve been practically invisible to the opposite sex for your entire life. When women come to you for advice on how to ask out your friend. When the only people that ask for your phone number are CVS cashiers trying to apply your membership discount.
As time passes by and nothing seems to change, I get more and more used to it. I find myself always being that guy that thinks Valentines is a conspiracy to make money. When really, I just want the opportunity to lavish someone with all sorts of romantic gestures. Grieving because the notion of young love is far gone. There aren’t any restless nights spent texting that woman that gave you butterflies with each message sent. You didn’t get to hold someone’s hand for the first time and feel the excitement, and panic bubble up in your belly from breaking the mold.
Now you’re at a time where hooking up is common and you’re still holding that maybe someone craves to hold your hand sometime.
You believe as if Life has passed on without you and as more and more time passes you have less and less of an idea of where you’re even supposed to start. On the best days, it’s a nagging concern in the back of your mind, like that squash in your fridge that you keep neglecting to cook. On the worst days, it’s devastating.
You get to the spot where all those breakthroughs that other people look fondly back upon are burdened for you. You can keep holding out hope that eventually someone will come around, and they’ll be okay with taking everything as fast or as slow as you need.
And maybe I’m just stubborn. Perhaps I’m making everything much more complicated than it needs to be. That’s very possible. I’ve had enough time to overthink absolutely everything.
I don’t want some fairy tale, but I want someone to love me for who I am. I’m not going to break myself to fit some mold that feels fake, strange and leaves a shell of a man that even I cannot recognize in the mirror. This is who I am. I am who I am, and most days that’s enough.